The film “Indivisible” shares the struggle of Army chaplain Darren Turner and his wife upon Darren’s return from a 15-month tour of duty in Afghanistan. It explores the psychological impact of war on soldiers and their families. The true story looks at the mental, physical, and spiritual stressors Darren and his wife experience, not realizing that they are living with untreated PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). Once the chaplain and his wife find the help they need, they’re able to move forward in their lives and support others who are struggling in the same way.

Chronic stress takes a toll
Untreated ADHD can have a similar effect on people. In my work with ADHD, I have clearly seen the impact ADHD can have on close relationships. Living for years with chronic stress takes its toll on both the person suffering and his or her significant other.

If you are the person with ADHD, you might feel criticized, misunderstood, or unduly controlled by your spouse. You may even feel like a failure. If you are the partner without ADHD, you might feel lonely, unappreciated, and tired of bearing the load on your own. At times, you may feel enormously frustrated.

There is a tendency to blame ADHD for all of the problems in a relationship, marriage consultant Melissa Orlov writes in her book, The ADHD Effect on Marriage. In reality, she says, both partners play a role. Orlov goes on to say that couples need not try harder, but to “try differently.”1

The symptoms of ADHD that can cause relationship problems trouble paying attention, forgetfulness, poor organizational skills, impulsivity, and emotional outbursts. Three areas that can make a difference are studying up on ADHD, acknowledging the impact of your behavior on your partner, and separating partners from their symptoms or behaviors.2

​Where can you begin?

• Get a diagnosis. If you suspect that you may have ADHD, step forward to get a clinical diagnosis. As the saying goes, “it is what it is.” Confirming your suspicions allows you to start exploring what you can do about them.
• Consider medication. The right medication can go a long way in managing the symptoms of ADHD.
• Examine where your ADHD shows up. Then, discover strategies to manage your struggles. Having ADHD is not your fault, but it is your responsibility. If you—the person with ADHD—don’t understand it, how will your partner?
• Learn about ADHD. This helps both you and your partner see you as being separate from the traits and symptoms of ADHD. A person has ADHD; he or she is not ADHD.
• Connect to the ADHD community. You can explore online options or visit a local support group. Step out of isolation and into community. You will see that you are not alone.

There is hope
Naming ADHD lessens its power over our lives. You can’t fight an enemy that you cannot see. Treat that unseen “guest” in your house. Above all else, stay connected to those you love. Remain undivided!
For support in understanding and managing your ADHD, contact me today for your free consultation.


​Sources
1. Low, Keath. “ADHD and Its Effect in Marriage: Interview with Melissa Orlov.” Verywellmind.com, March 19, 2018, https://www.verywellmind.com/adhd-and-its-effect-in-marriage-20380. Accessed February 14, 2019.
2. Smith, Melinda. “Adult ADHD and Relationships.” HealthGuide.org, January 2019,  https://www.helpguide.org/articles/add-adhd/adult-adhd-attention-deficit-disorder-and-relationships.htm. Accessed February 14, 2019.

I recently heard actress Jessica McCabe, YouTube sensation, speak in St. Louis. Host of the YouTube channel, How to ADHD, Jessica’s weekly program teaches children and adults tips and techniques for managing ADHD in a funny, fast-paced, ADHD-friendly way!

Diagnosed with ADHD as a child, Jessica grew up with excellent supports her mother put in place. As a young adult, the budding actress began to flounder, unable to keep a job or manage many of the responsibilities of adult life. She couldn’t seem to remember her lines. Plus, her agent told her she was too big and needed to lose 10 pounds.

When Jessica crossed paths with a life coach, a defining moment happened. When she relayed her agent had told her “you need to be smaller,” the coach simply said to her: “You need to be bigger.”

With tears running down her face, Jessica said, “when you create space for yourself, you create space for others.” And that’s exactly what Jessica did in launching her YouTube career. In making herself vulnerable, she forged a connection with countless others in the ADHD community who suffer, bringing hope. You can hear Jessica’s story in a TED talk, “Failing at Normal: An ADHD Success Story.”

Here are a few questions for you (and me) to ponder as we start the new year:
​

• Where are you “living small”?
• In what area of your life might you live larger?
• What would “living larger” look like?
• What risk are you willing to take?
• Who or what can support you as you step forward?
• For whom can you create space?

Most of us are playing it safe in some part of our lives. Maybe there’s one thing that you have always wanted to try. It might be bravely stepping forward to get an ADHD diagnosis. Or creating boundaries with family members who don’t believe that ADHD is real. It might look like doing that one thing you are afraid to do. Every step forward strengthens your game, making the next challenge easier. Our own vulnerability can connect us with others. Join me in making this new year our largest yet!

Need support in living larger or creating space for YOU? Contact me today for a free consultation.
 
 
 

Recently I received two handwritten notes, thanking my husband and I for helping to guide friends on a recent tour of New York City. Though not necessary, it was a beautiful thing to receive such an expression of gratitude!  Why don’t we take the time to count our blessings and express appreciation to others?
 
Shifting Focus

Those of us with ADHD recognize that our focus and attention can rapidly shift. We often roll with tunnel vision just to get through the day. The very real challenges of living daily life with ADHD can make it easier to focus on what isn’t working, rather than what is. 
 
The brain only has so much power to focus its attention, neuroscientist and author Alex Korb says in an article titled “The Grateful Brain.” It cannot easily focus on both positive and negative stimuli.
 
The more we dwell on areas of life that are out of control, the more out of control we feel, Korb explains in another article, “The Stress of Uncontrollability". This cranks up anxiety, increasing activity in the emotional center of the brain.
 
When we stop fixating on things beyond our control, stress goes down and positive emotions go up, psychologists have discovered.
 
This is why I start every ADHD coaching session by asking clients what is going well. When a client is struggling with feeling overwhelmed, for example, their thoughts are stuck in the anxious part of the brain, the amygdala (temporal lobe). Once we make a plan, the client’s thoughts move to the calm, rational part of the brain, the frontal lobe. Check out this neat diagram explaining parts of the brain!
 
Counting Blessings
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Studies have found that grateful people tend to experience more optimism, lower anxiety, a stronger immune system, less stress, and an overall increase in energy. These benefits can be produced just by thinking about gratitude.
 
A brain scan of subjects during a 2009 experiment by the National Institutes of Health showed that thinking about gratitude increased blood flow in the hypothalamus, which controls major body functions, such as sleep and metabolism. The study also highlighted brain regions activated by dopamine, the feel-good chemical, which is a neurotransmitter that individuals with ADHD are in short supply of. Dopamine helps with motivation, taking action, and a sense of reward. The fact that gratitude was associated with being rewarded made the participants want to continue being thankful.
 
Becoming Grateful

So how can we become more grateful? The world’s leading scientific expert on gratitude, Robert Emmons, says that the practice starts with “paying attention.” He encourages a daily practice of recalling the gifts, grace, benefits and good things you enjoy. This helps you notice things you might otherwise take for granted. 
 
Intentionally focus on the positive. There is always something to be thankful for, no matter how small. Starting every ADHD coaching session by discussing what is working sets the tone for the entire session. We start to see challenges through the lens of strengths, which positions the brain for success. Before we know it, we are also looking at what is good in our lives—as well as in the lives of others. 
 
If you’d like to feel the power of thankfulness, check out “8 Gratitude Exercises to Unlock the Most Powerful Emotion That Exists.” Decide to focus on gratitude today and discover the difference that it makes!
 
To experience a better quality of life with ADHD, consider working with a coach! Visit my website to Schedule a Free Session today!
 
Your ADHD Coach,

Cheryl
 
 

​You may have seen the recent film, “Book Club.” There is a scene where Carol, played by Mary Steenburgen, is all set to perform her tap dance routine. To her great surprise, instead of her own music chiming in, she hears the music of Meatloaf! She endures, tapping her heart out, trying to make her tap routine fit music that is not her own!

Many adults with ADHD try so hard to fit into the world around them—the neuro-typical world. It’s like pounding a square peg into a round hole. You may be someone who has ten planners around the house that you never use, or who keeps lists everywhere on shreds of paper. You may spend way more time at work than your peers, just trying to catch up on the workload. As a parent of a child with ADHD, you may have struggled hard to find the right treatment plan. You may be the parent spending hours doing daily homework with your child, a chore often accompanied by stress, frustration, and meltdowns.

What if, instead of dancing to the wrong music, you started dancing to your own music? What if you knew how to fit the world to you instead of the other way around? What if you had tools and strategies that were in keeping with your own unique brain wiring? What if you were in community with others who truly understood ADHD?

What if you had a planner that you liked and that really worked for you, one that reflected your own unique ADHD brain? What if you knew how to set up your job workspace in a such a way that it complemented your learning style or sensory preferences?

What if your child received accommodations that leveled the playing field, allowing him to lessen his workload or have extra time for tests? What if you had an accurate diagnosis, with medication that helped with inattention or hyperactivity, that allowed you to focus for the first time?

What gets in the way for you? More importantly, what can you do about it?

The first step might be to know that it is OK to do life differently than others. Next, you need to know what you need, so you can ask for what you need. Finally, you can learn how to maximize your own personal strengths to minimize the challenges of ADHD. People with ADHD will get over the finish line, just like anyone else, though they may do it on their own time table and in their own unique way.

Sadly, there is still stigma, misinformation, as well as a lack of understanding regarding ADHD. Many times, it’s right within our own families.

The theme of this year’s ADHD awareness month is “Setting the Record Straight.” ADD Joy of Life Coaching, LLC, joins with ADHD Awareness Month to promote advocacy and sound treatment for children, young adults, and adults with ADHD.

Find your voice and speak up today! Together, we can “Set the Record Straight.”

Want to be more successful? Sign up for a free coaching session.

Not sure if you’re ready for coaching? Download this free fact sheet on ADHD.

Most adults with ADHD would agree that having ADHD equals feeling stressed and overwhelmed daily! We can be perfectionists, trying to stay a few steps ahead, so that we don’t fall several steps behind. Or we might be escape artists, trying to run away from all our troubles!  What if we didn’t have to do either?

The thought of rest can be such a foreign topic. As people who are not neurotypical, we have a hard time regulating ourselves.  We often have too little or too much of everything, especially focus and attention. It might take a while to get going in the morning, but once we do, we absolutely want to keep rolling, often with an all-or-nothing mentality.

We don’t always have the awareness to recognize that we haven’t eaten in a long time, or we haven’t taken that aspirin early on. Only when it’s three hours later and our head is still splitting do we realize our mistake.

Sometimes, we leave everything to the last minute, creating a deadline. This raises dopamine and adrenaline, which does help to get things done. But after the fact, we collapse out of weariness.

Or we might feel undeserving, treating ourselves harshly for having a brain wiring that is isn’t our fault. 

The truth is, we do need stimulation and a measure of excitement to wake up our brains. Plus, there is always so much to catch up on! Maybe you have asked yourself these questions more than once: “How could I possibly slow down enough to rest?” or “What would it even look like?”

Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith is a physician specializing in internal medicine, who sought answers regarding life balance when she reached the point of burnout during her residency.  She pondered the area of rest.  What were the areas of rest that made for a balanced life?  And how would discovering rest in critical areas affect wellness?

She discovered not only the importance of rest, but of seven different types of rest!  Experiencing rest in any of the seven areas would cause her patients and herself to feel restored and re-energized! 

Dr. Dalton-Smith breaks rest into seven areas: Physical, Mental, Social, Emotional, Sensory, Spiritual, and Creative.  You can take her free rest assessment at www.ichoosemybestlife.com. 

Where do you need to restore and recoup your energy?  When we add something into our lives that fulfills us, it often allows us to do all of the other necessary tasks of life!  Living with ADHD exacts a price.  What would downtime look like for you?

As Winnie the Pooh states in the classic film, Christopher Robin, “Doing nothing often leads to the very best something!”

A coach can support you in “finding that very best something!” Click here to request your free consultation today!

I recently watched a wonderful film, The King’s Speech. It is the true story of Prince Albert of England, who struggled with a rather severe speech impediment. He had not been helped by any number of professionals from whom he sought treatment. His wife, in great desperation, reaches out to Lionel Logue, an Australian actor and speech therapist with a great deal of experience in the area of wartime trauma.

The path to speaking with confidence was clearly not a linear one, but it is Lionel who makes the difference for the prince. At the end of the film we hear the landmark speech that Prince Albert delivers, announcing that a state of war exists between Great Britain and Germany. The prince, now King George VI, literally “finds his voice.” With nothing standing in his way, he is able to galvanize Londoners for the grim fight ahead. 

​What’s blocking you?

What are the traits of ADHD that get in the way for you? Managing these symptoms can be the gateway to living the life that you’ve always wanted, but perhaps you never thought possible.

The best treatment for ADHD is multimodal, that is, combining two or more types of therapy to create a recipe for success. We do know, according to research, that medication and behavioral interventions are frontline treatments that create the greatest change over time.
 
Why is it so hard for people who suspect that they have ADHD to get the help that they need?

Here are a few reasons:

1. There is still a lack of public education regarding ADHD. Therefore, there is a great deal of misinformation out there, especially regarding medication.
2. Due to stigma, many fear the label. Who really wants to receive a diagnosis that includes the word “deficit” in its title? Many have struggled for years at home, at school, and in the workplace, feeling less than adequate. Attention deficit-hyperactivity disorder is a poor title anyway, as ADHD is a disorder of regulation. Sometimes we have too little focus, and sometimes we can focus and do tasks faster than anyone we know!
3. Navigating the treatment maze can be challenging. It starts with finding a provider. Some providers are more knowledgeable than others regarding ADHD. If a provider states that they work with ADHD, and yet do not seem to have a true understanding of the disorder, it can be demoralizing. You might think, “there must really be something wrong with me because this provider can’t help me.” It takes courage to get help in the first place; we fear getting pushed down a little further. We want to be seen from a strength-based perspective, not objectified by the disorder. It is easy to identify a problem, but it’s much harder to find a solution for that problem.
4. There are co-existing conditions that can sometimes make an ADHD diagnosis challenging. In addition, many women with the disorder have been misdiagnosed. They receive treatment for anxiety and depression, instead. 
5. You are tired of struggling for so long and have given up hope. Many with ADHD have a sense of learned helplessness. We become accustomed to relying on others instead of developing our own capabilities. ADHD is not our fault, but it is our responsibility!
6. You realize that the life you are living will require change on your part, and change can be frightening. Acknowledging the impact ADHD has had on your life can be overwhelming, especially for adults diagnosed later in life. Dealing with the residual issues of ADHD is a process, which ADHD coach Joyce Kubik likens to “unpacking your suitcase.”

 
Facing the truth about your life is brave. It takes courage to admit that you have a problem. In the end, it is what it is. You can’t fight an enemy that you don’t know. Stepping up to get the diagnosis can the beginning of a new life. There can be a sense of relief and validation from having a diagnosis that explains so much.

One thing I have seen is that when people receive good treatment, it changes their view of themselves. There is more available energy for living life. People want more and expect more!

What if everything that you believed about yourself isn’t true? With support, you can “shed your old skin,” and emerge to take a larger place in the world. Knowing where your ADHD shows up and what to do about it is empowering. For the first time, you experience a sense of control over your life. 

Start living your life, not the symptoms of ADHD!

See how an ADHD coach can make a difference. Sign up for your complimentary session today!

Ever feel like you’re swimming upstream or swimming against the tide? If so, you are not alone. Many people with ADHD feel this way!

I was recently on a cruise. One day while walking along a hallway, I noticed carpeting with fish swimming forward to help passengers remember which way the front of the ship was. As I looked at all of the gold fish moving in one direction, I noticed a few red fish swimming in the opposite direction! The little red fish, all by himself, might represent the journey of a great many people with ADHD. This could be you. Perhaps you:

• Struggled in school, wondering why it took you twice as long as everyone else to complete your work.
• Knew that you were smart, but couldn’t see how to get over the finish line like other people.
• Are an entrepreneur, working from home, trying to stay on top.
• Are a woman caring for a family, staying up late in order to get things done.
• Are overwhelmed on the job, falling behind on emails and projects.
• Are an adult who is newly diagnosed and are having a hard time navigating the treatment maze.

How does the little fish get turned around, in order to swim upstream? Some of the best ways to start swimming forward are to:

• Get a diagnosis.
• Explore medication options.
• Check for learning challenges or disabilities.
• Seek out behavioral interventions, such as cognitive behavioral therapy or coaching.
• Exercise regularly.
• Eat an ADHD-friendly diet, which includes protein and fish oils.
• Educate yourself about ADHD.
• Join an ADHD community.

In a larger sense, swimming against the tide is not bad thing. It is, at times, downright necessary. Who wants to be like everyone else, anyway? You may wish to swim in another “school” or catch a different current. Knowing what you need to make it upstream, (that is, understanding how your ADHD shows up and learning what to do about it) will ensure that you get there. Swimming alongside other “red fish” will make you feel less alone. Your journey will be based on your own unique brain wiring. You will reach your destination, yet by a different path.
If you are tired of fighting the current, consider calling today for a complimentary coaching session!  

Learning that you or a loved one has attention deficit hyperactivity disorder can be an emotional experience. While a medical diagnosis may answer some of your questions, it may leave you asking a million more. That’s why resources are so important. They can help you better understand how ADHD works, how others have overcome its challenges, how to speak up for yourself, and how to obtain the treatment needed to manage ADHD symptoms successfully.
 
When I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, it felt as if my entire world had been turned upside down. It was sobering to receive a diagnosis with the word “deficit” in it, not to mention having to show my driver’s license in order to pick up ADHD meds. When I asked about resources at the doctor’s office, the nurse said, “We gave you the pamphlet, didn’t we?” For real? That’s not good enough! You have the diagnosis; now you need answers. How do you begin navigating the treatment maze? And what does it really mean to have ADHD?
 
Knowledge is power. When you understand the disorder and how it works, you can approach it in a way that is strength based. That is, you learn that you are a unique person with gifts, talents, and abilities, and you also have ADHD. You are not ADHD.
 
Connection is important, as well. A disorder such as ADHD can be isolating. You learn that you’re not alone. This is one of the reasons that I started an adult support group and classes. Realizing that you are part of a community working to address many of the same challenges is empowering. As they say at CHADD, a national organization for people with ADHD, “Together we can.”
 
What are the benefits of resources?

• Education: You are not your disorder
• Connection: You are not alone
• Advocacy: You have a voice
• Treatment: You can manage ADHD successfully

 
The resources page on my website (Online Resources) links to dozens of books, videos, articles, and other materials produced by organizations committed to ADHD awareness and education. Check it out today!
 
If you are looking for customized, fast-track support, consider ADHD coaching. Call 260-415-3412 today to schedule your complimentary session or send us a message on our Contact Page.
 
“It is never too late to be who you were meant to be”- George Elliot

​A new film about three young men who foiled a 2015 terrorist attack suggests that two of them may have also wrestled with ADHD.

The 15:17 to Paris tells the true story of three friends who were in the right place at the right time: College student Anthony Sadler, National Guard Specialist Alex Skarlatos and Airforce Medic Spencer Stone. While traveling from Amsterdam to Paris by train on August 21, 2015, they confront a terrorist, saving the lives of more than 500 people. 

Early in the film, a flashback scene shows both Alex and Spencer’s moms meeting with their sons’ frustrated teacher. The teacher doesn’t know what to do with two adventurous boys who can’t focus and who stare out the window. With judgment, she states that the boys should take ADD medication or they might self- medicate in the future. The moms are horrified at the thought of their son’s being “drugged” and basically tell the teacher off.

We don’t know, for sure, if these young men had ADHD. The film shows that they certainly had many of the traits, including impulsivity and the inability pay attention. They were oppositional at times (especially to authority figures), did poorly in school, and seemed not to fit in with their peers. They did, however, have a vibrant teacher along the way who inspired them to succeed, honing in on their interest in the military.

The school situation shown in the film is actually quite typical for young people with ADHD. Many students struggle to find their way in what feels like a hostile school environment. Most people want to succeed and do well. If they are not doing well, it’s important to find out why not. What is getting in the way? Frequently, behavioral issues stem from academic difficulties.

The first step for people who suspect that they might have ADHD is to pursue a comprehensive diagnosis, which may include educational testing. With a diagnosis, schools can make accommodations that help to level the playing field, such as a 504 Plan.

Medication can be a frontline treatment, allowing students to focus for the first time in their lives. We know that 70 to 80 percent of people with ADHD have a good response to medication. ADHD medication supplies two brain chemicals—neurotransmitters—that are in short supply, namely dopamine and norepinephrine. This helps to get the brain “online” or in focus, sort of like wearing eyeglasses to see the blackboard. 

We know from research that the two most effective treatments for ADHD are medication and behavioral modification, such as cognitive behavioral therapy or ADHD coaching. In addition, strategic school support can go a long way.

The movie shows that Anthony, Alek, and Spencer eventually find their direction in life, but not without some significant hurdles. If indeed they did have ADHD, one wonders the difference effective treatment might have made. Sometimes what appears to be a weakness is a strength not yet developed. When faced with great opposition, the young men who once “found trouble” decide to run toward danger, taking down a terrorist.

The Clint Eastwood film, based on a book of the same name, has a happy ending: Each young man is honored for his bravery. As he concludes his portion of the book, Anthony makes an interesting comment. It says: “He felt grateful, beloved, and proud. He felt able. He felt for the time being that things were all right in the world.”
​
It echoes what I’ve found to be true in my coaching practice: When people with ADHD receive the right support, they can be among the most successful.