It Hurts to Remember: How People with ADHD Experience Loss Differently
Recently released, The Sheep Detectives is a sweet and poignant film set in the quaint countryside of England. Director Kyle Bald saw himself in a script about sheep who together vow to avoid living with painful memories. The grieving of his own mom led to his involvement in the film, believing that it might also help audiences process their own loss.
The story is about a group of talking sheep who try to solve the murder of their own well-loved shepherd who read crime solving stories to them each night. In order to seek justice for their friend, they have to break their habit of forgetting painful events. They come to realize they must confront their loss instead of burying it. Remembering hurts, but in the end, it is the only way to honor their loved ones. After seeing this film, I wondered about the impact of loss for people with ADHD.
Loss and ADHD
The ADHD brain processes loss differently due to the intensity of emotion we experience, but also our ability to regulate it. Whatever daily coping strategies we have are further taxed with additional stress and sadness, making it harder to manage ourselves. The ADHD brain is not wired adequately for attention, organization and follow through. Add to that the fact that dopamine - a brain chemical, is not produced consistently, which contributes to problems with motivation, making certain tasks overwhelming.
Executive Functioning Skills may be more taxed, such as managing time, planning, prioritizing, pacing, transitioning and looking ahead. As an adult you may have struggled for years without help, experiencing a lifetime of challenges related to time management, memory and productivity, greatly impacting relationships.
The Hidden Griefs of ADHD/Neurodiverse Loss
Underachieving and underperforming, especially when you know that you are smart.
Having a learning disability that no one ever told you about.
The co-existing conditions that often ride along making life more challenging.
Feeling misunderstood compared to others. If people only knew how hard you tried!
Sadness and regret over relationships.
The labeling that occurred without an accurate understanding of ADH
Missed dreams and burn out.
Making less money than your peers.
Feeling different your whole life, flawed and out of step with the rest of the world.
The Weight of an Adult Diagnosis
We have only had an adult ADHD diagnosis since 2013 in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM V). At first a diagnosis may have been a relief. There is a name for what you have struggled with your entire life. However, there may also be a sense of regret in looking back, “If only I had known.” There may have been a lost career, lost creative projects as well as the financial and personal toll. In short, you may be mourning the life you didn’t live.
“A late diagnosis is a quiet sorrow, by realizing that your life hasn’t matched what you wanted or expected for yourself”
- Ugochukwu U Uche
“I felt relief. I’m not lazy, insufficient or incapable as I’ve been told. There’s a reason and I can do something about it!”
- Shannon
What Can Help Us Navigate Loss?
Find a therapist who can help you process grief. Use online tools such as www.psychologytoday.com or www.grief.com.
Be mindful in the moment and reach out for the things that help, such as walking, fidgeting, sensory grounding or massage.
Express yourself creatively with music, art or a grief journal.
Keep a daily rhythm with structure and visual reminders to eat and sleep.
Connect with people who get it, an ADHD support group or a Grief group. Therapist and grief expert David Kessler hosts various online grief groups called, “Tender Hearts” for a low monthly fee. No one is turned away due to income.
Important to Remember
Professional help is essential. Grief needs to be witnessed. (Kessler)
You are not broken. ADHD is a neurodevelopment brain-based disorder.
Your grief is valid and this is not the end of your story.
With self-compassion comes healing. You are not alone.
Loss comes to everyone in this life.
No feeling is forever. (Kessler)
Structure, even in the midst of loss, is a fence for emotion. Schedule a consultation with an ADHD coach for assistance creating structure for your unique brain wiring.
Resources
The Hidden Grief of ADHD; What is it and Where Does it Come From? - Becky Brotemarkle, PhD, www.adhdmarriage.com
The ADHD Grief No One Talks About- Ugochukwu U Uche, MS, LFC, www.psychology.com
The Sheep Detectives: a dark, gentle story about remembering and letting go - Kep Napier, www.wearecritix.com
Dealing with the Double Whammy of ADHD and Grief- Alice Gendron, www.theminiadhdcoach.com
Relief, Grief, and More Raw Reactions to an Adult ADHD Diagnosis - www.additudemagazine.com
David Kessler, www.grief.com
If you are feeling hopeless text 988 (Suicide hotline)