When a person has ADHD it is present 24/7. The core traits of ADHD, hyperactivity, impulsivity and inattention impact every area of life. It is the silent partner in any relationship.
Susan is home with sick kids, and no car. John has forgotten to pick up the prescriptions at the pharmacy, even though he was reminded several times.
Samantha is meeting friends for dinner. She is scrambling to finish up paperwork at the office, losing all track of time. Her friends are annoyed and tired of her excuses.
Tom procrastinates on doing much needed tasks around the house. He starts several projects and never finishes any of them, making it difficult to have company over. And then there are piles of his stuff. Everywhere.
Beth is off from work today and Tim is looking forward to a nice meal. He walks in the door, the house is a wreck, dishes are piled everywhere and there is no promise of dinner. Again.
Bob has totaled so many cars that Jill has stopped counting. She shudders to think how much their insurance will go up, and that’s if their insurance company doesn’t drop them altogether.
Can you feel the frustration?
Assumptions of the Non-ADHD Partner
He is making excuses!
She doesn’t care enough, or she would put in the effort to change!
He never pays attention…except for the things he likes to do!
She’s selfish and doesn’t value other’s time.
How can he be so forgetful? His memory is like a sieve!
I’m tired of feeling like the parent, I already have three kids!
In the article, Why ADHD Makes Relationships So Challenging, Katie Brown states that the top three areas for relationship difficulties are
ADHD distractibility
Money issues
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). People with RSD are overly sensitive to rejection and can find criticism hard to bear.
Clearly both partners are suffering, but for different reasons!
The Reality
ADHD is not an excuse, it is an explanation.
Just because you can’t see ADHD, doesn’t mean it’s not impairing. The brain doesn’t have a wheelchair!
ADHD is a neuro-developmental disorder impacting the front of the brain, the command center. This area affects planning, decision making, working memory and social behavior, etc.
People with ADHD have attention, but it is variable attention. It all depends on where that attention is going. Interest equals focus!
Time blindness as well as problems organizing, prioritizing and breaking down tasks impact daily functioning.
Adults with ADHD may not have known they had ADHD. The official diagnosis for ADHD in adults has only been around since 2013!
Taking Ownership
For the person with ADHD
Get the diagnosis! How can you fight something if you don’t know what it is? Try taking the Adult ADHD Questionnaire: Self-Report Scale. This questionnaire is not to diagnose yourself, but to give you a bit of confidence as you step forward to meet with a provider.
Consider medication: Medication might not be for everyone but when it works it can be life changing. We know that 85% of all people with ADHD end up taking medication, and rate it as being more effective than any other treatment modality.
Acknowledge that you need help: Reaching out for daily support from a trained professional can make a huge difference. An ADHD coach is a non-judgemental partner. You will see where your ADHD shows up and learn brain friendly tools and strategies to deal with it.
Educate yourself about ADHD and Connect to the ADHD community. Join advocacy groups like CHADD and ADDA. You can also subscribe to ADDitude Magazine.
Divide labor with your spouse or partner by starting with the tasks that are easier for you to do.
Be open about what you're struggling with. No one is a mind-reader.
Acknowledge the ADHD behaviors that have impacted your relationship.
For the non-ADHD Partner
Support your partner in getting help, starting with the diagnosis. It is the gateway to a better life!
Educate yourself about ADHD. Learn what it is and what it is not. Check out CHADD, ADDA, ADDitude Magazine and ADHD & Marriage to learn more!
Be honest with your partner and let them know how their behaviors have impacted you. You want to be a spouse and not feel like a parent.
Get help with the areas in which you feel burdened by lack of help from the partner with ADHD. It might look like hiring a babysitter after work so that you can cook or tackle paperwork.
Affirm your spouse or partner for the good you do see.
Make sure you have eye contact with your spouse when asking them to do something. Being sure you have their attention is important. Write it down.
Consider counseling to deal with the residuals of untreated ADHD, such as anger or resentment.
Research shows that 50-80% of adults with ADHD can significantly improve when they create a good treatment plan.
Acknowledge ADHD as the silent partner and reach out for the support you need!
Resources
The ADHD Affect on Marriage, Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps - Melissa Orlov and Edward Hallowell: www.amazon.com
Adult ADHD and Relationships - Melinda Smith: www.helpguide.org
Your ADHD Relationship Survival Guide, You, Me and ADHD - Regina Boyle Wheeler: www.webmd.com
9 Ways ADHD Strains Relationships - Melissa Orlov: Additudemag.com
www.adhdmarriage.org is a website dedicated to ADHD marriage. Melissa Orlov holds phone or zoom classes for couples at a reasonable price. There are support groups for spouses with ADHD and without, as well as various associated professionals listed who specialize in ADHD marriage issues.
Ready to take action and address your frustrations? Schedule a free consultation and get the support you need to live a healthier life with your partner!
Comments