Friendships enrich our lives, providing connection, support and a sense of belonging in the world. Yet, we get busy in our lives and don’t always prioritize friendship. Sharon Saline, PsyD, cites a recent report from the Surgeon General stating that loneliness and smoking are similarly dangerous to our health!
Friendships and ADHD
Those of us with ADHD bring many strengths to friendship given our unique brain wiring. We can bring creativity, spontaneity and fun to any relationship! However, ADHD can also bring challenges in making and maintaining friendships. A 2023 review of research showed that children and young adults with ADHD have a lower quantity and quality of friendships than their peers. Knowing how ADHD presents itself through you can be the first step in understanding how your friendships might be affected.
The core presentations of ADHD, impulsivity, hyperactivity and inattention can impact social skills.
We might appear detached, talk excessively, interrupt or get bored by certain conversations. We might take on too much and feel unable to say no.
Additional Challenges
Time blindness: We don’t see time and have a hard time backing it up, so we are often late.
Poor follow through: We overpromise and underdeliver.
Overwhelm: We are behind with work or home tasks and don’t have time to socialize.
Forgetfulness: We might not remember a friend’s anniversary or birthday or maybe we bought the card but forgot to send it.
Social anxiety: We fear not knowing what to say or that we might blank out when asked a question.
Emotional regulation: As one friend said, “I know that I am a lot and with certain people I just have to dial myself down.”
Problems with boundaries: We may hate to pick up the phone because we might be asked to do something. We may know someone who talks a lot and we are not good at cutting the conversation short.
Low self-esteem: Many people with ADHD don’t see how great they are. We have never felt “normal.”
Fear rejection: We tend to fear rejection, and truthfully many people with ADHD have experienced just that.
Cognitive drain and exhaustion: At times, just getting through the work week takes all the energy we can muster.
In the article, "Making and Keeping Friends as an Adult with ADHD," Dr. Sharon Saline offers five strategies to build connections with peers:
Ask others relevant questions and notice what is happening by looking at their faces.
Notice your proximity to another person and match the volume of your voice to theirs.
Join in the conversation after listening and observing what’s going on.
Lay off self-criticism. Turn off the negative internal voice that second guesses what people might be thinking about you and stay in the NOW.
Practice makes progress. Engage in brief conversations with others throughout the day, even if it is a simple greeting in passing.
Dr. Saline states that making friends is dependent on 4 factors:
Resilience: Being able to shift and be flexible.
Proximity: Make spending time with others easy by connecting with those who live near you.
Repetition: Seeing people repeatedly throughout a range of settings can build trust.
Interests: Having similar interests such as work, hobbies, and religious organizations.
Did you know that if you ask people questions about their lives that you are perceived as more likable? In a 2017 research study by Harvard Business School, researchers discovered that people who asked questions were better liked by their conversation partners and were perceived to be more responsive and caring!
Additional Strategies
Be sure to take your meds before meeting with friends.
Keep a weighted fidget in your hands or pocket to keep moving when you are talking to others, especially while seated.
Stick to the topic at hand, don’t go off on tangents, even if it is all connected in your mind.
Practice give and take as a healthy conversation is like throwing a ball back and forth. No one person dominates the conversation.
Practice reflective listening. Repeat a sentence back that was stated as a way of letting the person you are with know that you have heard them. This is validating.
If asked to do something, repeat it back to the person who asked to be sure that you heard it correctly.
Consider an online greeting card service so that you can schedule cards to remember friends’ important occasions.
Mark important dates on a calendar with built in time for mailing cards. Make sure that you have addresses and stamps handy.
Keep commitments. Don’t cancel at the last minute.
Set boundaries. You don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to.
If asked a question like, “tell us about yourself,” you can respond by asking, “what is it you would like to know?”
Final thoughts
If you are comfortable and feel safe, talk about your ADHD and the role it plays in your life. Vulnerability can bring people closer together. The empathy and sensitivity that many people with ADHD have can make us supportive to those who struggle. There is no one better at acceptance than those of us with ADHD!
Make sure that you are on top of your own ADHD and self-care so that you have more available time to spend with others and that you are more present when you do.
Don’t let ADHD get in the way of friendship! Embrace the positives of a neuro-diverse brain and reach out for those connections that make life worthwhile!
Schedule a free consultation with an ADHD coach to get personalized help managing time and building connections!
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